in moments of frustration, it's okay to be a little unstructured
there are a lot of times now that i feel i've misplaced my necessary, precious and hard-to-cultivate time and energies doing something i shouldn't really do given the time frame and nature of my critical academic-professional situation right now (thesis), and instead channeling it into things that may have nifty aesthetic and emotional implications on me over the long run, but won't get the job done on the short (but critical) run.hey, i'm not complaining, but the backlog just gets me a bit apprehensive now. what the hell am i talking about?
i've been doing a lot of bonding sessions with people these days. listening to personal angst, commisserating, sharing my personal angst myself, going out to coffee, shopping with a friend (even if it means maxing out my monthly debit budget. forget credit), phone calls, chats, and even the simple on-a-whim spontaneous stuff (like my fairly recent brow threading gig with arcie and her beloved irving at katipunan while we're drunk on red horse. hehe). i even went as far as having my really good bff and business partner apple join me and say or do nothing (except ogle at guys checking her out perhaps) while waiting for me to finish my crazy comm 140 midterm reviews at starbucks katipunan a week ago. i usually like to study and wallow in my pressed-caffeine palpitations on my own, undisturbed, unstructured and unguided. then again, i thought it was a refreshing bit for me if i tagged someone along (she wanted to join me and she was in the area; it was okay with me and i needed company as well). so i did.
it was the aame thing when i went out (on a weeklong promise) with my really good film friend pet and co. to see the philippine premiere of john torres' "todo todo teros" at the escaler hall at the ateneo, and then crave for wings afterwards at flaming wings (best wings ever. totally recommend it to anyone) (btw, my review for todo todo teros is another blog post. hehe)
i don't know. i know i shouldn't be doing this, that i should go about my usual journalistic duties and try to finish my thesis by chasing around the people i need to hunt down and catch on video/micro/digi-tape, survive early mornings on coffee and fictional nicotine typing stupid transcripts with undecipherable words and anecdotes, forget that i have a body i have to take care of, and grow my hair long, wear the same torn ratty jeans everyday, look like i don't take a bath everyday (i do, by the way), and revel in my being active once more.
but i'm not complaining. i mean, i have had more meaningful relationships now, and have built up my older ones better now than a few years ago, when i was at the height of immaturity and recklessness. and it definitely feels nice (and validating) now that i am confident enough in myself to not be afraid of getting into any situation that comes my way, be it professional, emotional, or physical. and i definitely want to keep doing this, because it does me good. and it does the people i love and care about good. and it keeps the metaphorical bonds stronger. and i like that. who doesn't?
except that i should be doing this together with my thesis, not with my thesis on the sidelines.
but no, i've unwittingly been trying to live out an average college freshman's lifestyle. you know, the type where i have time to go to the gym, go out on weekends, pamper myself in pseudo-spa stuff as if i'm preparing for a go-see (i did that before), and basically hang out and loiter and act like the cool, pretentious fresh-out-of-hish-school-brat-who-don't-know-no-better that i was five years ago.
that was so five years ago.
a lot has changed since then. and i acknowledge that. and i have proven to myself, at least now, that i can raise my market value so high while doing my job right and extremely fucking well. that the two are not mutually exclusive, that i can actually have the best of both worlds. so really, there is no reason for me to not have a time and reason to work and transcend personal shit in my most critical time, this point in my life that can trace and charter the path i chose to take for the rest of my life. and in so much as i'm taking it seriously, my actions apparently do not speak for my intentions.
i have taken brash steps to try and motivate myself to finally have a look at my thesis and begin work. i've organized my incomplete archives, bought file boxes, cabinets and dividers to make them look more organized (even if they really aren't), reorganized files in my computer, and subscribed to an alert service that lets me know when and where my subject appears online.
despite that, i end up just collecting random stuff about my thesis. random meaning, no organized flow. no plan. all spontaneous. all unstructured.
and it scares the hell out of me because if i keep this up for longer, i may completely lose sight of the direction of my thesis. and it's hard, especially for a soloist like me, to be placed in this kind of situation. sure, other people can tell me that i was the one who placed this upon myself, so i shouldn't complain. but really, those people have no idea what kind of emotional and psychological turmoil your thesis can put you through. no matter how many you are in it (sorry for those who had partners before and swore by it, but this is how i feel. understand where i'm coming from. it's no joke now)
it's like a fly that refuses to part with your hard-prepared peanut butter sandwich, a ghost that never fails to haunt you, a test that never fails to break you, and a burden that never fails to pull you down.
then again, if i could take that last metaphor home with me, if i pull myself together and overcome that burden square on my shoulders, i'll have really nice-looking muscles.
gym metaphors are really bad. but i love the point this one makes.
i know this blog post is too unstructured and too random for comfort, but i seriously need help. i need motivation, a shove, a push, anything that'll get me past the job i signed up to do since day one. i know we somehow all need something like that, so why don't we make it mutual? how about that?
xananananana
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