tired, but ready
in a few hours today, i'll be doing a photo shoot/interview for budji layug's be@home showroom at bel-air, makati, for this magazine i'm writing for (while i'm doing me thesis, to balance things out, ya know). i should be excited over this gig, since it took us ages before we got through to budji's pr person. but i don't know. i'm just tired now.maybe i'll do the interview like how i've always done it in my past articles with this magazine. maybe i'll make them feel like they're absolutely not giving me a hard time (because in my mental disposition by then, i won't be feeling that at all). maybe i'll have a ball. maybe i'll even have time to get myself some new jeans (for levi's square cut jeans, by the way, i've officially downsized to a 33. bitch's got his groove back!) at rockwell, since i'll be meeting jay the photographer there. maybe that's something i can look forward to. and i will. (yuck, i can be so emotionally ambivalent sometimes). but these past few days, i end up going home tired.
it's like my schedule's on crack every time. i sleep early (well, except for now!), like 9p or something. but i wake up EXACTLY one hour before my morning class, which i get to 15-30 minutes late. and then i waste my time with 3-hour breaks smoking and lounging in a not-so-loungeable place (aka cmc lobby). i can't work the phones like i should do, i figure going home to do that is useless and tiring, so i stay. but my mind gets so distracted by the people i meet and the proportion of my smoked-out dunhills to the coke light i'm using for a chaser that i find no time to study.
then i go to class and end the day at 4p. but there'll be meetings and org duties and then i'll have to stay until 5.30p. until i have to get home finally about 6p. and then i'll have to work out to keep my size to a humane minimum. i'll end at 8.30, in which case i will have absolutely no staying power to study. i may go online (like i'm doing now), but instead of working google to get info on my thesis, i stick around bloghopping, checking out spring/summer 2007 collections (dolce and gabbana rocks!), reply to fun-to-reply emails, and download songs. and then i stick around until 1a, when i'll have to sleep. and the cycle repeats itself.
it's been going on for the past 2 weeks, since school opened. i hate my bowlie-inspired long 'do right now (a provisionary style since i have no time in the morning to work the hair dryer), i'm wearing the same jeans and shirts on rotation, i'm perpetually broke, and i feel shackled.
i need to break through something to end this bullshit.
suffice to say, i'm ready for this semester, thesis pressure and all. i just don't know how to cope right now.
maybe spring cleaning could help this. but i already did that to my closet one month ago. and there's no "spring" in the philippines (yea, if you talk about the humidity and the rain, it's always spring here).
_______________________________________
i was bloghopping around, and i found the blog of an old flame. we never ended on a note that suggested closure. i still don't know what we are, or how we are, or if it's even okay for me to say hi to him. or send him a casual text. last i checked he deleted me from his phonebook. but we never fought till violence. we never did. he just sent a longish message and told me he's still not ready, and that's it. i never spoke to him since. and he never did as well, but it left me with a big question mark. something i still can't answer till today. i guess that's what you could call, "drifted apart"?
many times we'd be in situations where we'd bump into each other. many times i ignored him, but secretly longed for small talk. even the plasticky "how are you" ones. i'd take that, just because it means hearing his voice addressed to me. i'd grab a friend and make it look like i'm doing good, but secretly i'm dying inside. he doesn't know it because i always play the role of the cold, heartless bitch (i can be/have been that sometimes) in front of him. i've always had delusions of him feeling the same way. but i'll never know for sure. maybe he doesn't. maybe i don't exist to him anymore. maybe it's self-inflicted, like my actions placed it upon myself that he'll be that way, so i shouldn't complain. but i now know what i did wrong. i was cold, insensitive, selfish and calculated in my ways. i loved loving him more than him as a person. i loved the situation, not the person. i'm very sorry i did that. i've acknowledged my mistakes, and i want to start over. maybe he knows that, he's just waiting for my next move. but does that mean we're on a clean slate? does that mean we can start over, like the past never happened? never existed?
maybe this is why i never liked working while lugging around a heavy backpack. i always leave it somewhere. and then i move around. same thing here. i've been carrying this baggage for so long, it's getting too heavy for comfort. it's weighing me down so bad that the the plates i load at the gym pale in comparison. i really want to start over and prove myself again to him and everything that he represents in my collective imagination, but where do i begin? and how do i begin?
i need to break through something to end this madness. i'm tired, but i'm ready.
xanananananananana
0 Comments:
Publicar un comentario
<< Home