xanana ventura en la red

waiting

i'm not sure what it i am waiting for right now, but i am definitely sure that my mind and body is assuming a pensive position right now.

sort of my waiting position. los dos piernas en la posición "a las cuarto", conmigo que tomo un vasito de café, cola, o cualquiera forma de alimentación liquido. puedo también fumar, aunque ya lo he evitado. lo basta que espero al algo, alguien. no sé porqué. pero es bastante para mí que esperar. cualquier lo puede salir en esta situación.

i don't know. i'm not looking for relaxation. i have been sleeping quite my quota this week. no, i'm not depressed; i'm quite happy right now (or so i think). i'm not looking for work; i have too much backlog in my hands, not to mention my thesis, thank you. my office has just been renovated, and all my stuff had just been moved back from the other room over the weekend. my favorite phone's battery got busted last friday, but i'm having it repaired tomorrow. i have deadlines coming up this week, which includes a big retrospective assignment of the late ang kiukok (big, because me and my brother daniel practically worship this guy) whose angle i still have yet to resolve with myself.i have big exams, reports and papers that won't just stop coming in, one after the other.

but i still feel like i'm waiting for something. like i'm expecting something. like i'd be more than happy to stop doing what i'm doing just to welcome it - whatever it is - into my life and my collective consciousness. like i'm willing to compromise and just fucking take it.

and i can feel it. i always feel like i'm palpitating. i always find myself worried. over what, i can't be sure. when i turn on this computer, everything seems a haze to me. the gym is the only place for me where i can really let loose and play it hard. especially when i'm killing the punching bag. still, everytime i take a break, i worry. i palpitate. and i kill that punching bag again. and just when i thought i already had that apprehension behind me, it's back in me when i go home, head to my office, and put down my bags there.

i really don't know what i'm worried about. it's not my thesis, that's for sure. but still, everything feels tentative right now. like i'm negotiating every step i make, literally and figuratively. like the success of those negotiations wholly depend on the moves i make. technically, if it fucks up, it'll be my fault by default.

i remembered this same time last week when my really good (psychic) friend nike did a card reading on me. i found out that (this will sound out of context, but i will not spill what was talked about in full. just this one) that in my current state of affairs, nasa akin ang alas. meaning, whatever move i make right now (status quo) will determine the success and failure of what i want to happen in the immediate future.

which sounds a little empowering, since i have full control over my state of affairs right now. but it is at the same time distressing, since i have no one else to blame (and/or not forgive) but myself. and i'm sick and tired of getting hurt, frustrated, and disappointed.

(quick anecdote: i have this knack for feeling so heavy that i am so close to crying. but when i finally give my body the go-signal to cry, nothing comes out. i just feel like exploding. i tried many ways to make myself cry, even if what i'm carrying inside me is really too much to bear. sad songs, sad movies, sad stories. nothing works. so i take it out on anger. and the punching bag. and i could feel a tear or two everytime i punch or run the sportscenter track oval. but i just end up tired, and more frustrated than ever)

i've been hurt, disappointed, frustrated and hurt a shitload of times before. but unlike violence (which desensitizes the viewer after a few runs of the same thing), hurt doesn't. it hurts me still. it hurts me like i've never had it before. and it paralyzes me to a fetal position, all crying and loserly.

i like being tough, impenetrable and cold. it makes things so much easier to deal with. okay, scrap that. i like being bereft of any vulnerabilities. it makes the recovery time after a bout of failure much, much shorter. i bounce back easier.

but that's not the way i am right now. i am feeling vulnerable once again. my emotions are feeling raw and tender once more. and the risks i've been taking this time are much scarier than the puny ones (note how i call them puny now when they were just as big as those in the here and now) i took before.

but unlike my bouts of coldness, i've never felt more real. even if it hurts, i'll take it.

still, this short line is nothing compared to the massive temptation for convenience. i'm fighting it, though.

wish me luck.

xanananananana

posted by xanana ventura @ 10:17 p. m.