after the long online slumber
i'm still the same.after a semester of nonstop work, acads, thesis and issues, i'm just barely getting myself ready to face the semester ahead.
except of course, i feel i'm grossly unprepared for it.
it has been especially difficult for me to write lately. there was this blog post i had before about the inner odyssey i always get myself into everytime i write. that unlike the intellectual masturbation i do everytime i do graphic design projects, writing can be more like having a sledgehammer strike down my head in hopes of having productivity potentially ooze out of it. it's hard for me to do. then again, i don't know anything else. i just write, dammit.
and i best put that to good use. and by good use i mean thesis good use.
***
i had a friend tell me fairly recently that he'd rather have me kept all the weight i've lost all these months (50 something lbs, as of my last weigh-in) and lose everything i'm holding on to inside, than have me lose the weight and still have those demons bug me to idle depression.
in short, i'm holding on to so many things. and those things are what's stopping me from getting ahead with my life.
now, i don't know about him but he just said it, plainly, nonchalantly. and all i could suddenly do was lose my pompousness, slouch in the car and laugh. not sarcastically, but in more of a dammit-he's-right kind of way. and lose my big ego.
which should already be all right, except for one little glitch: i don't know what those things are. okay, so maybe this is not one of those situations where i only have to draft a well-worded plan of battle, stick to it in execution, and sit back and wait for the results to show. but this is one of the many gray areas postmodern people like to wax existential about. and as much as i don't want to be part of it (because really, there are many other things to deal with than be existential) i find myself unwillingly suckered in it. and as much as i want to define what i'm holding on to so tight, i cant. either because they're just too many, or because they're so insidious i myself cant even pinpoint them.
which is why for those i ask time for, please understand that i'm at a point where i'm really trying to figure myself out. adolescent rubbish, you might say. but really, i have good use for this. you see, thesis season is fast coming up. and if i don't get myself together real soon i'll fall apart. i know it. it's not just a matter of relationships; it's a matter of self.
i remembered what sir arao (during my j 199/thesis proposal days a year ago) told the class about that particular time in our lives where we have to finish our thesis and try to graduate. for those who take their theses seriously, it's a time of waging a personal battle with the self. this is the time when i'll have to get out of my comfort zone and push myself like i did in the past, only harder anmd farther. and it will be a time when i'll have to exceed myself. myself in terms of my own concept of what i can and cannot achieve, and to what degree/extent.
this is my personal battle now. i have been too complacent this semester. i have diverted my frayed attentions elsewhere. and it has caused me even more distress just thinking about the time i have wasted.
it's now time to pull myself together and finally do this. and do this right.
and unlike in my previous thesis posts where i'm still tentative about it, i'm sure on this one. there's no "i hope" here or any sarcastic-natured wanderings like that, because i will do it this time. and i have no other choice but to do this now. now or never.
***
to all my dear friends, if i disappear for a bit, i might just be doing legwork or research somewhere. i won't be as visible in the college as before, but i guess we all would be out of cmc over the coming months naman eh. you know where to reach me.i'm always up for yosi and talk, wherever it may be. hehe
***
because of this, i'm quitting dating for a while. it was fun finally immersing myself in the dating scene, but it just isn't that fun anymore when you're talking to someone and all of a sudden lose your concentration remembering other things you should be doing instead.
i firmly believe in what my dear friend arcie said about love: it comes when you lesse expect it. it was that case for me, although shame on me i anticipated the tentativeness and ultimate demise of it all.
i'm finding myself in a crossroads. i have someone who dearly loves me, and one i dearly love as well. but the ghost of the relationship before ours is taking its toll on me, and on us. so i best use this time to figure things out for myself. to gain some perspective. and finally get ahead. with no baggage. no issues. no undisclosed shit.
and that involves a drastic change in how i'll run things in my life from this point on.
what those drastic changes will be, we'll just see. but it'll all be for the best.
xananananana
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