waiting
i'm not sure what it i am waiting for right now, but i am definitely sure that my mind and body is assuming a pensive position right now.
sort of my waiting position. los dos piernas en la posición "a las cuarto", conmigo que tomo un vasito de café, cola, o cualquiera forma de alimentación liquido. puedo también fumar, aunque ya lo he evitado. lo basta que espero al algo, alguien. no sé porqué. pero es bastante para mí que esperar. cualquier lo puede salir en esta situación.
i don't know. i'm not looking for relaxation. i have been sleeping quite my quota this week. no, i'm not depressed; i'm quite happy right now (or so i think). i'm not looking for work; i have too much backlog in my hands, not to mention my thesis, thank you. my office has just been renovated, and all my stuff had just been moved back from the other room over the weekend. my favorite phone's battery got busted last friday, but i'm having it repaired tomorrow. i have deadlines coming up this week, which includes a big retrospective assignment of the late ang kiukok (big, because me and my brother daniel practically worship this guy) whose angle i still have yet to resolve with myself.i have big exams, reports and papers that won't just stop coming in, one after the other.
but i still feel like i'm waiting for something. like i'm expecting something. like i'd be more than happy to stop doing what i'm doing just to welcome it - whatever it is - into my life and my collective consciousness. like i'm willing to compromise and just fucking take it.
and i can feel it. i always feel like i'm palpitating. i always find myself worried. over what, i can't be sure. when i turn on this computer, everything seems a haze to me. the gym is the only place for me where i can really let loose and play it hard. especially when i'm killing the punching bag. still, everytime i take a break, i worry. i palpitate. and i kill that punching bag again. and just when i thought i already had that apprehension behind me, it's back in me when i go home, head to my office, and put down my bags there.
i really don't know what i'm worried about. it's not my thesis, that's for sure. but still, everything feels tentative right now. like i'm negotiating every step i make, literally and figuratively. like the success of those negotiations wholly depend on the moves i make. technically, if it fucks up, it'll be my fault by default.
i remembered this same time last week when my really good (psychic) friend nike did a card reading on me. i found out that (this will sound out of context, but i will not spill what was talked about in full. just this one) that in my current state of affairs, nasa akin ang alas. meaning, whatever move i make right now (status quo) will determine the success and failure of what i want to happen in the immediate future.
which sounds a little empowering, since i have full control over my state of affairs right now. but it is at the same time distressing, since i have no one else to blame (and/or not forgive) but myself. and i'm sick and tired of getting hurt, frustrated, and disappointed.
(quick anecdote: i have this knack for feeling so heavy that i am so close to crying. but when i finally give my body the go-signal to cry, nothing comes out. i just feel like exploding. i tried many ways to make myself cry, even if what i'm carrying inside me is really too much to bear. sad songs, sad movies, sad stories. nothing works. so i take it out on anger. and the punching bag. and i could feel a tear or two everytime i punch or run the sportscenter track oval. but i just end up tired, and more frustrated than ever)
i've been hurt, disappointed, frustrated and hurt a shitload of times before. but unlike violence (which desensitizes the viewer after a few runs of the same thing), hurt doesn't. it hurts me still. it hurts me like i've never had it before. and it paralyzes me to a fetal position, all crying and loserly.
i like being tough, impenetrable and cold. it makes things so much easier to deal with. okay, scrap that. i like being bereft of any vulnerabilities. it makes the recovery time after a bout of failure much, much shorter. i bounce back easier.
but that's not the way i am right now. i am feeling vulnerable once again. my emotions are feeling raw and tender once more. and the risks i've been taking this time are much scarier than the puny ones (note how i call them puny now when they were just as big as those in the here and now) i took before.
but unlike my bouts of coldness, i've never felt more real. even if it hurts, i'll take it.
still, this short line is nothing compared to the massive temptation for convenience. i'm fighting it, though.
wish me luck.
xanananananana
in moments of frustration, it's okay to be a little unstructured
there are a lot of times now that i feel i've misplaced my necessary, precious and hard-to-cultivate time and energies doing something i shouldn't really do given the time frame and nature of my critical academic-professional situation right now (thesis), and instead channeling it into things that may have nifty aesthetic and emotional implications on me over the long run, but won't get the job done on the short (but critical) run.
hey, i'm not complaining, but the backlog just gets me a bit apprehensive now. what the hell am i talking about?
i've been doing a lot of bonding sessions with people these days. listening to personal angst, commisserating, sharing my personal angst myself, going out to coffee, shopping with a friend (even if it means maxing out my monthly debit budget. forget credit), phone calls, chats, and even the simple on-a-whim spontaneous stuff (like my fairly recent brow threading gig with arcie and her beloved irving at katipunan while we're drunk on red horse. hehe). i even went as far as having my really good bff and business partner apple join me and say or do nothing (except ogle at guys checking her out perhaps) while waiting for me to finish my crazy comm 140 midterm reviews at starbucks katipunan a week ago. i usually like to study and wallow in my pressed-caffeine palpitations on my own, undisturbed, unstructured and unguided. then again, i thought it was a refreshing bit for me if i tagged someone along (she wanted to join me and she was in the area; it was okay with me and i needed company as well). so i did.
it was the aame thing when i went out (on a weeklong promise) with my really good film friend pet and co. to see the philippine premiere of john torres' "todo todo teros" at the escaler hall at the ateneo, and then crave for wings afterwards at flaming wings (best wings ever. totally recommend it to anyone) (btw, my review for todo todo teros is another blog post. hehe)
i don't know. i know i shouldn't be doing this, that i should go about my usual journalistic duties and try to finish my thesis by chasing around the people i need to hunt down and catch on video/micro/digi-tape, survive early mornings on coffee and fictional nicotine typing stupid transcripts with undecipherable words and anecdotes, forget that i have a body i have to take care of, and grow my hair long, wear the same torn ratty jeans everyday, look like i don't take a bath everyday (i do, by the way), and revel in my being active once more.
but i'm not complaining. i mean, i have had more meaningful relationships now, and have built up my older ones better now than a few years ago, when i was at the height of immaturity and recklessness. and it definitely feels nice (and validating) now that i am confident enough in myself to not be afraid of getting into any situation that comes my way, be it professional, emotional, or physical. and i definitely want to keep doing this, because it does me good. and it does the people i love and care about good. and it keeps the metaphorical bonds stronger. and i like that. who doesn't?
except that i should be doing this together with my thesis, not with my thesis on the sidelines.
but no, i've unwittingly been trying to live out an average college freshman's lifestyle. you know, the type where i have time to go to the gym, go out on weekends, pamper myself in pseudo-spa stuff as if i'm preparing for a go-see (i did that before), and basically hang out and loiter and act like the cool, pretentious fresh-out-of-hish-school-brat-who-don't-know-no-better that i was five years ago.
that was so five years ago.
a lot has changed since then. and i acknowledge that. and i have proven to myself, at least now, that i can raise my market value so high while doing my job right and extremely fucking well. that the two are not mutually exclusive, that i can actually have the best of both worlds. so really, there is no reason for me to not have a time and reason to work and transcend personal shit in my most critical time, this point in my life that can trace and charter the path i chose to take for the rest of my life. and in so much as i'm taking it seriously, my actions apparently do not speak for my intentions.
i have taken brash steps to try and motivate myself to finally have a look at my thesis and begin work. i've organized my incomplete archives, bought file boxes, cabinets and dividers to make them look more organized (even if they really aren't), reorganized files in my computer, and subscribed to an alert service that lets me know when and where my subject appears online.
despite that, i end up just collecting random stuff about my thesis. random meaning, no organized flow. no plan. all spontaneous. all unstructured.
and it scares the hell out of me because if i keep this up for longer, i may completely lose sight of the direction of my thesis. and it's hard, especially for a soloist like me, to be placed in this kind of situation. sure, other people can tell me that i was the one who placed this upon myself, so i shouldn't complain. but really, those people have no idea what kind of emotional and psychological turmoil your thesis can put you through. no matter how many you are in it (sorry for those who had partners before and swore by it, but this is how i feel. understand where i'm coming from. it's no joke now)
it's like a fly that refuses to part with your hard-prepared peanut butter sandwich, a ghost that never fails to haunt you, a test that never fails to break you, and a burden that never fails to pull you down.
then again, if i could take that last metaphor home with me, if i pull myself together and overcome that burden square on my shoulders, i'll have really nice-looking muscles.
gym metaphors are really bad. but i love the point this one makes.
i know this blog post is too unstructured and too random for comfort, but i seriously need help. i need motivation, a shove, a push, anything that'll get me past the job i signed up to do since day one. i know we somehow all need something like that, so why don't we make it mutual? how about that?
xananananana
the bitch (with the steel alloy heart) is back!
since it was the last day of my brother's exhibit yesterday, and since it's already august, xanana ventura will officially post BOTH at livejournal and blogger! yes, you heard it right, the bitch is back!
and what better way for comeback than to introduce new stuff and new updates in this site, no?
first: the XananaRed podcasts. if you have a broadband connection (or are willing to wait it out on dial-up), you'll have the chance to hear me talk on my first podcast! it's actually an idea i got from a friend (thanks ivan) that i'd like to get into a little further. then again, i don't want to just dj my favorite songs. i'd like you to ask me whatever's in your mind about me, about this site, and just about anything related to the xanana network. so email me: xananaventura@gmail.com. i'll be accepting questions until the 15th of august, so better keep those questions coming in!
i also have new links in this blog. i'm thinking of giving away a luxury overnight stay for 2 at the mabuhay manor to the reader who guesses all my new links right. i'm not talking b.s. here. this is the real thing. what do you think? should i hold this contest? hmmm. :-) (btw, go to www.mabuhaymanor.com.ph if you want to know how luxurious this luxury overnight is. hehe) if i get more than 50 petitions for this contest, we'll have it. :-)
also, for those of you who'd like to get a little intimate with me (as in get some good blackmail dirt on me), add me on your lj account. it's still xananaventura.livejournal.com. contrary to the perception, i post different stuff in my lj and in my blogger. so there. add me sexy people!
also, my streaming audio will only get better by the day. after a month-long hiatus, i'll be posting new music to the radio.blog, and i want you to let me know what you think about it. email me: xananaventura@gmail.com. i'll be waiting!
finally, as the three people who regularly visit this site often notice, i took out my comments function. that's because i just wanted to. period. now, though, it's back up and running! although, of course, i'd still like you to post stuff on my tagboard, so it'll be easier for me (and everyone else) to know who's reading this site.
that's about it for now, i'll be posting more significant stuff over the next couple of weeks. i'm near to the third of my thesis, and it can only get better. will post about it soon. stay sexy people!
xananananananananana
